Dakota
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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Dakota" journal:[<< Previous 10 entries]
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11:41 am
[Link] | This by far the coolest meme I've ever seen. Many thanks to nyghtowl (I *still* don't know how to link in here...)for posting it!
"Book Meme from eridun
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST."
Virginity Lost - by Laura Carpenter
"As rates of illegitimacy and abandonment climbed due to weakened social prohibitions and economic changes, community leaders and laypeople began to view sexual passion in women with suspicion." (23)
Indeed.
- Dakota
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09:43 pm
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I'm still here.
Was my last post really in January? Sigh.
I'm happy. I'm lonely. I'm excited and passionate, disinterested and profoundly bored. I'm the king of ambivalence these days.
I want someone to beat me bloody...and then save me *just* before I die.
Being the kind of parent I want to be takes a lot. And it's in direct conflict with being the woman I want to be, the academic I want to be, the player I want to be, the writer I want to be...There's just not enough time in one lifetime.
I have met some significant and intense people over the last few years. I love many of them. But I'm always aware, now, that I pale in comparison. I didn't used to feel that way.
But I roast chickens (yay me!) I know more about homeschooling than you'd ever want to know. I can change a diaper while simulatentously cooking soup stock from scratch, fighting with Verizon on the phone, thwarting a tantrum and mentally noting all of the clothes my kid has outgrown (and therefore need to be replaced) since the last diaper change.
My husband and I are getting along well. There's even been some punching here and there. We're enjoying our time together. We're enjoying our daughter.
And yet...there's always "and yet..." with me. I'm bound for crack addiction if I don't get this shit under control.
Love,
Dakota...who deeply misses people calling me that....
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01:49 pm
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Risk - an informal inquiry..
I've been doing some thinking about a chapter idea, and it suddenly occurs to me that I'm making assumptions I have no business making.
So I ask this, for anyone who's willing to help me think: Is SM (or BDSM) - *your* way - about risk? And if so, what are you risking?
Feel free to email rather than comment if you're interested...
And I still need an icon! (No pics of me! Or marshmallows. Or feet. Anything else? *lol*)
Me
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12:53 pm
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Update
Hey. It's nice to know people ckeck my journal. I've gotten a bunch of requests to post, since no one knows what's going on with me, so here I am.
I haven't posted because there's nothing to say. I'm sick of writing about how miserable I am.
The doctor said this should last for another 3 weeks. I don't think that, generally, she knows what she's talking about, since I haven't been well enough to tell her what's going on, exactly, but let's hope it ends in 3 weeks.
On a positive note, my good days are better than they were a few weeks ago, and my bad days aren't as bad. There's definitely a bright side. I'm keeping food down much more easily and I'm not as dehydrated.
Halloween was supposed to be my turning point. I hung a lot of hope on Halloween. Now it's hanging on Thanksgiving.
I hope all is well with all of you guys out there. Thanks for the emails and notes and such...and rest assured that I will, one day, get back to you. Honest.
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12:32 am
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More good things
Haven't posted in awhile because it was the same old stuff....had a really bad week last week, complete with one total.... meltdown. Score six million for my husband, who came home to find me wandering around the neighborhood - in my pajamas - and sobbing unabashedly. I think I actually went a little bit nuts that day.
But yesterday was a really good day - a full work day, a great meeting with my boss, and only two bouts with my porcelain friend. :)
Today was not so good, but still better than it's been. The fatigue seems to be gone, which is nice, but it means I can't sleep through the nausea because I'm not completely exhausted all the time.
I know I must be doing better because the other night I fell asleep thinking about knives......*eg*
I don't want to be overly optimistic, but the end of the first trimester is soon, and maybe, just maybe, please please please, things will be better then...
In the meantime, I have to go to work AGAIN tomorrow because I have another meeting I can't miss. That'll be THREE days this week...woo-hoo!!! *laugh*
I miss my friends too. I like when I'm thinking about something other than throwing up.
It's the little things in life, yanno.
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07:51 pm
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Ready for the Ecstasy...
Why would anyone in her right mind go through this again? Yesterday I told my boss I was pregnant, and she was all aglow: "I LOVED being pregnant..." blah blah blah.
I think it's all bullshit. I think that after the child is born, women recast the entire pregnancy experience as a beautiful, magical time, either because they're so happy about the baby that they can't even access the truth anymore, or because they have to in order to keep themselves from being angry with the poor kid.
I made it to work yesterday. Not today, though. Must go tomorrow, so here's hoping tomorrow's better than today has been.
Yesterday I felt well enough to miss my friends, and wonder how they're doing.
Today I'm back to complete self-absorption.
My husband is a saint. Here, folks, is the reason that women carry the babies: because if MEN acted like this - puking and crying and never getting off the couch and just being utterly useless and a major drain on the household - women wouldn't put up with it. We'd walk. Everyone would be raised by single fathers.
Gotta stop now. Hope all is well with all of you. Here are some thinly-veiled messages because I'm too lazy to find the right comment screens.
S - It'll get better, just takes time. Hang in there, and hang onto yourself. :)
TG - How'd you register without my help after all? *grin*
N - I'm glad you're stopping by. It's good to be in touch again.
KC - Don't worry about the blood. Feel better soon, and come see me when you do!
RA - Stop worrying about the blood. I'm on it. :) How are you doing?
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05:44 am
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Hmmm.
Suddenly I have to scroll horizontally to read my entries. I didn't change anything that I know of. What'd I do? It's not like that on other peoples' journals...
*scratching my head*
Current Mood:  confused
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05:45 pm
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Change of subject
So the Ocean City Puritans are up in arms about BR2003 being in their precious family-values city.
(BR, for those of you who don't know, is Black Rose, a DC BDSM organization - www.br.org, and http://delmarvanow.com/news/stories/20030922/localnews/304898.html for the article.)
They're afraid of tarnishing their reputation as a family resort. They're afraid of having to explain to their children what's going on in that hotel. They're just afraid. I don't think they even know what they're afraid of. Do people ever even ask themselves that? Don't they sit down and say to themselves..."what exactly is it I'm afraid will happen if...?"
Just before Hurricane Isabel hit, the Channel 7 news guy announced the story with the line..."Well, she's here... and she ain't no lady."
Sometimes I can't believe this is 2003. I feel like the whole world is walking backwards.
Current Mood:  annoyed
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05:33 pm
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More wallowing
This can't be good for the baby, to be in my miserable body all the time. I feel like I (we???) have been hit by a truck.
The good news is, I've learned that if I eat something small and then go RIGHT to bed, I can keep it down most of the time.
This means that I'm in bed a lot...which also can't be good for the baby.
And I haven't figured out a trick for fluids yet.
I was supposed to go to work today. It was relatively important. During the second week of August, my boss (and friend) was fired, and I took his place. This means that now when I blow off work, which I've always done with impunity, it's a much bigger deal. But I found out about the pregnancy the week after that, and started with the "I'm sick" routine almost immediately.
Now I'm going to have to tell my boss sooner than I'd wanted to. She'll then be in a hurry to replace me, and I was hoping to milk the 6-month contract I gave her for all it's worth.
Can't do that in my pajamas, though.
Current Mood:  depressed
Current Music: Hey, music would be good. I should play some music!
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03:06 am
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Live Journal Bandwagon, Part 2
This should really list the first message first, no? Is there an option for that? Well, if you haven't read the first one, then you should read that one (below) first, so you know what my mission is - otherwise I just might gross you out for no good reason!
I am 9 weeks pregnant. First of all, this doesn't mean what you think it means. You think, as I did, that it means that there was an egg fertilized about 9 weeks ago. Nope. Another secret.
Apparently, because modern medicine cannot pinpoint dates of conception, it uses the first day of a woman's last menstrual period to begin counting. So, theoretically, 9 weeks pregnant means that I had my last period 9 weeks ago. Fair enough.
Except that five weeks after my last period, we went for a sonogram, and according to my uterus, I was seven weeks pregnant. Hmmm. Well, okay. Looks like I'm 9 weeks pregnant, then, I guess. Whatever you say, uterus, old gal.
Let me just be clear about one thing at the outset: I am thrilled, positively thrilled, about the prospect of having a baby. My husband and I had JUST started trying, and we are lucky and delighted.
That said, it would be a whole hell of a lot more delightful if a stork would drop the little troublemaker off on our doorstep when it's ready.
Approximately three days after the pregnancy was confirmed, I became involved in an intense and unstoppable relationship with my bathroom floor. I spend most of my time there. It's beautiful, really it is.
If you, like me, assumed that morning sickness starts somewhere around the time the baby starts showing, let me assure you that oh-ho-HO! It starts at about 5 weeks, it has nothing to do with morning, and everything to do with sickness.
I'll spare you the goriest of details, but suffice it to say that I can't go to work most days, I can't utter more than a few sentences, I can't keep anything down, I'm utterly dehydrated, and if you're within a BLOCK of my nose, I can smell the laundry detergent on your clothing. (And it will, by the way, no matter how much like "Fresh Rain" it smells, make me puke.)
The doctor prescribed Zofran, used by chemo patients and only very recently by pregnant women, so I wouldn't take it. (I'd like to see a generation of Zofran babies first, thank you.) Instead I decided to go with an old-wives method of half a Unisom tab with a Vitamin B6. It helps, but I'm consumed with worry about what effects it's having on the fetus.
Sigh.
Boy, get me started on this live journal thing, and I just can't shut up, huh? Okay, I get it, everybody, I get it. It's cathartic, it's self-involved and it's a lot of fun.
I'm going to go tell everyone about it now.
Current Mood:  nauseated
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